For a really long time, I thought feminism is an excuse. After all, I grew up with a level playing field at home. I was unabashedly unapologetic and stubborn to the core as a kid. So when I was first introduced to the cause of equal opportunities for women through reservations in the parliament, I cringed. I have then been introduced to it again when I realized that girl students can register for exams such as IIT-JEE for free. I cringed again. That doesn’t make any sense, I thought. If you want to be in the parliament, fight for it fair and square, right? I can totally imagine myself as that angry coach screaming “Don’t whine. Don’t complain! Don’t make excuses” all the time, if only in my head.
In my second year of college, my brother suggested I read a book called Lean in by Sheryl Sandberg. I obviously didn’t bother reading it because by then I read enough books that he suggested (The alchemist, The Namesake) to conclude that I would hate it. But luckily, I came across an excerpt that talks about young girls being called ‘bossy’ and how it changes them. As someone who has been called bossy in my early childhood, I could totally relate to it.
When I was narrating a story about getting some help from assistants at the workshop, my first thought was to smile and sweet talk but my brother’s was to bribe him. Even though most of the girls and boys I know drink, almost no girl has ever gotten into a bar fight while a good number of my guy friends have. We’ve clearly been groomed since childhood to stick to a certain stereotype of our gender and the result is an epidemic. “Don’t be a pussy”, “Man up”, “Boys don’t cry”. All phrases reaffirm the fact that we like our girls to be delicate and pretty and boys to be strong and aggressive. But we want strong and assertive leaders, not weaklings. Oopsie doopsie.
Let me re-iterate a case study that Sheryl discusses in her book that resonated with me. It’s about a real-life entrepreneur Heidi who became a successful venture capitalist thanks to her outgoing personality and a vast network of powerful friends. One-half of the students was given the same information with one difference: they changed the name from Heidi to Howard. The students were then asked to give their opinions and it came as a shocker when Heidi was seen as selfish but Howard as somebody you would want to hire/work for. It reestablishes the importance of stereotypes in our upbringing. Rest assured, by the time I was finished with the book, my assumptions of a level playing field for girls were proved false. I might still not completely agree with reservations and discounts for girls but today, I can see that there’s a lot of work to be done here – starting ofcourse, with educating myself! Once I started consciously observing or thinking about gender, I couldn’t not – and wait a minute – ofcourse I’m a feminist. I’ve always been one!
I believe that a lot of feminism wasn’t portrayed in the most pleasant tones when it began in the 1960s. As time passed, the feminist movement continued to fight for equal opportunities, but in addition to this, some radical feminists criticized women who were part of beauty pageants, were housewives, stuck to traditional gender roles, etc. which earned itself some more negative attention, from women as well. For the longest time, men (and women) were fed this different idea of what feminism was actually about. The result is that most men and women don’t want to be associated with the word feminism anymore, not because they are against the institution but because they are against the few feminists who don’t know what true feminism is about. Ask them if they’re feminists, and they’ll say no. Ask them if they believe women should get equal rights, and they’ll say yes.
A few months ago, I and my friend (both self-proclaimed feminists) were having the famous feminist argument about whether Kim Kardashian’s famous nude selfie is a degradation or a liberation. She argued that it was her body and her choice. I argued that it was more about marketing and selling the right type of body. What’s the feminist friendly opinion? I don’t know. We are both feminists but we are also both individuals. That’s the crux of the issue, isn’t it, that all feminists or not alike. It is very important to understand that one feminist doesn’t represent feminism and need not be universally accurate. I read an article criticizing Sheryl Sandberg for talking only about elite women. I read another calling Emma Watson a hypocrite for not being against chivalry. I hear working mothers criticize stay at home moms for their financial dependence, and stay at home moms criticize working parents for their child care. Nothing will come out of this. Let’s not allow a group to represent feminism or pit one against the other.
Now that we discussed the basics, let’s talk about Ms. Fierce Misguided Feminist who will push her opinions down your throats whether you agree with her or not. I was recently educated about a girl who asked all girls to go bald because as a “feminist”, she believes that women shouldn’t be associated with long hair. There was another, who proclaimed that every feminist should vote for Hillary Clinton. Then there’s always that girl who will tell you it’s anti-feminist to call a girl fat but has no qualms about calling a guy fat. That’s just wrong. If by chance, you are one of the few people who call yourself a feminist, please, for the sake of sisterhood, educate yourself and others around you. I absolutely hate being preachy and don’t always want to engage in a debate but it bothers me when people shoot a set number of misguided questions every time they hear the word feminist, so I’m going to give my perspective on a few of the most petty ones.
1. If Feminism is about gender equality why not call it equalism or humanism?
Here’s a quote I read that perfectly sums up my feelings on this “Saying that we can’t have feminism because we should only focus on general human rights is like saying we can’t have oncologists because some doctors are general practitioners.”
2. Does that mean you hate it when we open doors for you?
Chivalry and feminism need not be mutually exclusive. You open doors because it’s a nice thing to do, not because I can’t open my own doors. Maybe you can open the door for me and I will buy you dinner. Or don’t, it’s not a big deal. Let’s not get chivalry into the argument every time we have to talk about equality.
3. Do you hate stay-at-home moms?
Of course not! If you want to be a home keeper then by all means go ahead.You know what’s best for you, at the end of the day. But I’d be lying if I said I’m not more drawn to working women (and men). I admire power couples who kick ass both at work and home. I feel that most women quit work because of the guilt of not being their 100% at home. Apurva Purohit (another personal hero!) feels that a woman can never be guilt free. She says that most women who quit work for being full-time mothers often felt equally guilty for wasting their hard earned degree and giving up their financial freedom. Since we women are known to be great multi-taskers, maybe we should learn to manage both and realize that a 90% is just fine instead of quitting jobs.
4. Is Feminism even necessary anymore? Women are already equal to men.
We’re definitely blessed to be born in this era and geographical location where no one questions whether a girl should go to school and should work or not. But even today, the percentage of working women in India is around 5-15% in the organized sector. Consciously or nonconsciously, we all have a gender bias, the more you read about them, the more you start to notice. It exists, even among the educated elite section of society. Today, only 4.8% of the CEOs of Fortune 500 companies are women. Women earn 79 cents for every dollar earned by a man. It’s ridiculous that Bradley Cooper is paid more than his co-stars Amy Adams and Jennifer Lawrence. (I love you Bradley but come on) So I think feminism is required because even though today’s society is not as unfair and harsh as it was, it can be a thousand times better.
5. Isn’t it silly for us to fight for such first world problems (Pay gap, gender bias) when there are bigger issues(foeticides, dowry, oppression) faced by women?
I understand the gravity of issues faced by women in other parts of the world but why do we have to rank issues? We don’t need to turn feminism into a fight of “Who has it worse?” Feminism is not a competition where one girl’s plight deserves action while the other’s doesn’t because she hasn’t faced the worst form of blatant sexism. We can all voice out our opinions and fight for issues that affect us by standing together in solidarity and not by pitting one against the other.
Agree/Disagree? Let me know.
excellent work that you’re doing. What I completely disapprove of, though, is portraying this makeover as if she got healthy because no, she just got skinny. Today, as a result of this mindless starvation and ridiculous beauty standards, all I see on TV are extremely skinny girls, photoshopped to insanity, telling us all that that’s how an average girl looks like.
Anything and Everything 